I am an LOL hater. Let’s not even go there with LMAO. 

I’ll spare the the dissertation about LOL’s abuse. As someone who’s a lover of the English language, I’m more annoyed by its mere inception. Who had the audacity to condense one of man’s most amazing, uncontrollable urges into a single acronym? How can these three unfunny letters (“L” is nothing but two boring, straight strokes!) evoke the rare pleasure of spewing giggles or doubling over in deep, guttural laughter without notice or regard? While unimaginative, at least “hahaha” sounds like laughter. “El-o-el” sounds like a hip-to-gentrification bar in Echo Park, circa 2002. 

That said, I’m an offender of a possibly worse practice: the passive-aggressive smiley face :). Because I can be a sarcastic bitch who heavily communicates via text or email, I like to cushion my snark with a “haha, just kidding (JK!) by the way (b-t-dubs!)” low-brow emoticon. 

No problem, Mr. Editor. I totally understand that you haven’t had a chance to read my article yet. I take comfort in knowing I can keep bugging you to do so. :)

Did you make it home safely? Or did you spend the night at the party, waiting for all the chicks to black out? :)

I wish I could be comfortable enough in my smartassness to deliver my jabs, then hit send without a second thought. But no, because tone is already hard to detect in the un-personal world of emailing and texting, I don’t want to offend anyone. And while the “writer” in me says “convey your feelings in words” not in a cop-out of punctuation (like quotation marks), I believe guarding my true feelings with sarcasm and smiley faces is a much more appropriate way to communicate with coworkers and acquaintances.

Lately, in a move to further disguise my use of passive-aggressiveness in self-deprecation, I’ve started incorporating the obnoxiously cutesy and Japanesey Emoji-cons on my phone. 

Your ability to hold down seven shots and then ask the bartender for his number inspires me. 

My greatest hope in putting an end to this cycle is that I’ll eventually be too lazy to include lazy emotions when I type. Or better yet, all of my over-thinking will eventually grow exhausting. Bahahaha.