I would like to think I’ve become more environmentally conscious over the years. I spent about a month studying the breakdown of how to recycle in NYC. I even played recycling cop at my parents’ house in Hawaii, monitoring the trash bag for things like milk cartons and jugs of orange juice—giant objects I could easily pick up from the top of the pile and place in the adjacent recycling bin.   

But then the other day, at a bar, I had a different revelation about my eco-friendly gestures. (Surprise! A drunk revelation!) As I flipped off the light switch in the bathroom before walking out, I thought to myself, “Wow, good work, Jessica. Is reducing your carbon footprint that ingrained in your being?”

No. But being a cheap ass is.

I’ve been manically turning off light switches ever since I saw my first electricity bill for my very first apartment. My green efforts, like most things I do, are done based on monetary savings, rationalized convenience and/or a combination of years of selfishness and conditioning. 

These days, when I go grocery shopping, I still scour the shelves for the cheapest brands of items like ketchup, bags of rice, cans of tuna and blocks of cheese—in other words, staples that I have been buying ever since I’ve lived on my own. 

Another example: Back when I used to drive, I would only get gas from the cheapest gas station I knew of. Even if the line extended down the street and another gas station was only a few blocks down the road, this was the only place I’d go to. Someone once reasoned with me—when I was 20, a week away from a paycheck, with an empty tank and $10 in my wallet—that crappy 87 octane is crappy 87 octane, why pay more for it, if you don’t have to? 

So the other day, when I bellied up to the bar after congratulating myself for turning off the bathroom light and making sure the faucet wasn’t dripping a lick of water, I ordered a vodka soda. Not a Goose and soda, or even a Stoli and soda. A plain ol’ well vodka soda. Drunk is drunk, why pay more for it if you don’t have to?

Apparently, I’m conditioned to save $3 per drink, not to avoid a pounding head and a pouffy face the next day.